Sometimes I wonder if this is all an adventure or just torture I put myself through on a regular basis, like a country song on repeat. I suppose it can be viewed both ways with equal effect. Some adventure turns into torture, maybe that's what this adventure is becoming. Or maybe once I endure all the self inflicted torture, I am standing at the edge, the beginning of my adventure. So many say, "What are you waiting on?" This is my life, it has begun, stop all this waiting.....waiting for what? The beginning? Maybe the adventure is always being on the edge. The strength taken to get to one point is savoured at the edge of it's existence, before hiking toward the next ridge. Maybe it's a long ridge, whether wide or narrow, full of falling rocks or abruptly ending. Am I rewarded with a view? A vista point, where the scene is enjoyable? Or must I return on the same torturous path, not yet satisfied with what I have brought before me. What is this scene I am longing for...the Grand Canyon of my expectations, the rampaging change of an inner storm....or possibly the seemingly unattainable calm of a thinking mind. When I do think about previous events, they always seem to be a new beginning. New Years, birthdays, seasons, jobs. They all seem fresh, a point where anything can happen. Why is it that I am limiting myself to a calendar of dates to reinvent myself? I also wonder what the infatuation is with ones reinvention. I would prefer to not "reinvent" myself, but to evolve. To evolve into what feels right, comfortable, with only my own stamina to move me along. My pace and goals may change along the way, an ever evolving measure of satisfaction. Is it progress, maybe. It all very well could be the opposite, I could be regressing. The greener pastures may have turned out to be a pig pen and now I am jumping the fence back to where I came from. It's just like some smart person has probably once said, "We can't change where we are from, but we sure can change where we will go." This is why we should only regret what we have kept ourselves from doing, not the wrong turns we have made. Our boots may be covered by mud from the pig pen, but after a little pouting, we hose them off.
I take account of the omens I am presented, my sub conscience works in overdrive to sort through it all. I have been plagued with dreams, though the only time I really worry about myself is when I lack the remembrance of my dreams. Trying to figure out what it's all for, breaking down internal walls that have been built so high. I give due consideration for others, though not all. There are many who's character I enjoy and who's mind I respect. These people I do truly cherish and remember wholly. From young to old, I have learned abundantly. Feeling young at heart and enjoying laughter, from the older generations. For you will never grow old, if you always feel young at heart. To wear your heart on your sleeve if you truly believe in something, this way you will always be in tune, a symbiotic relationship. Learning to learn, being a sponge. It is children who always learn from every element around them.
Maybe I am truly a kid at heart. When you are a child you live for the moment, there has been no definite course of time yet indoctrinated. Society and social pressures make sure that feeling doesn't last long. We are socialized, deadlined, over worked, under worked, under appreciated, bullied, bribed. Pressured to succeed, at school, at work, at home. Many do not do things for pure enjoyment, but for a reward. We are rewarded with money, pretty things, a bonus it's called. We should be rewarded with time. What is the benefit of money if no time is able to be spent enjoying it. People try to buy joy, love, appreciation, respect. But these all come from within ourselves, not a piece of paper. The idea of "whatever it takes" does not end with enjoyment for most. In the end we feel swindled, of our time, our passions, our family. The idea of sticking to it "whatever it takes" or face criticism, bears no true value. If we do not value ourselves, what are we. I would rather quit, cut my losses, than try to fool myself into thinking the big picture is what I really want. It really is all about the little things. The little things are what we cherish most in life. The small, yet seemingly insignificant, events that unfold everyday. It is better to see clearly the little things and appreciate them. Rather than a large, blurry, out of scale model of what "should be." Maybe Monet had it right. If we take a step back we begin to see the details more clearly.
Perhaps the adventure is not torture. It is possible I myself have put to much pressure on the blurry sculpture of my life, the torture is unseen. When I begin to step back from this representation, and begin to appreciate the fine details. The crevasses and creases smooth. The jagged crags begin to fit together like puzzle pieces. Although the scenery is unlike what was expected, the spectacle possesses a humbling charm. This is my life, I am creating it, and it should exhibit my true passions. Constant change can be unsettling, yet what is most true takes heed. With constant change, we also constantly adapt and evolve. We are able to sculpt ourselves into the person we feel we should be, we never stop learning. I immerse myself into a new obscure fragment with the beginning of each season. As the season progresses I gain more about my surroundings and about myself. The fragment begins to clarify. This in itself is my lifestyle, a meandering process. A vagabond....I find myself jaded with warm sunny days, always looking for a greener pasture, though I can only describe my current situation as lush....
~LuRee
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